172 Days without a Binge and Splat it was all over in a second.
I didn’t want to believe I binged; after all I was hungry.
Yet, I did it; a whole f*cking sleeve of saltines.
Yes, those scare white crackers with the salt are my nemesis; but I forgot they were delicious!
How did I get my hands on these decadent, gluten-filled seduction of a cracker?
I had not even thought about them in years and then all of a sudden BAM I was crunching down a whole sleeve.
Last week, my husband was getting some testing done and I was a bit nervous.
Although I knew everything would be ok, you just never know right?
Well, he was told that he could only have soup and saltines for the rest of the day.
When I heard “SALTINES” my mouth started salivating.
As I drove to the store for them, I prayed to God asking him to keep them at bay.
As I bought them, memories of eating them while watching television and drowning out the hell that was happening around me sent shivers up and down my spine.
Then, I got hungry and I had nothing to eat except those crackers.
At first I took 6 and told myself that I was going to eat them slowly, savoring them.
The next thing I knew I was crumbling the wrapper and my stomach was bulging like I was 6 months pregnant.
I told myself; surely I didn’t binge, after all I was hungry!
Then I remember that I had a food addiction and even when hungry those trigger foods are my alcohol. I cannot have just one sip or one bite.
I was really disappointed and angry at myself.
“How can I binge still?” ”I know better!”
Then I remember that I have a disease and even though it may seem like I am on top of it; it is strong and can tackle me in an instant.
I soothed myself with some water and laid my head down.
In the past I would have berated myself which would lead to more binging. This time, I just gave myself a nice belly rub and asked the magic question:
What the heck happened?
1. I was not prepared. Even though the test was early and I had worked out my husband had rushed me so I didn’t get to eat breakfast. WHAT I LEARNED: Know that he is going to rush me and for just that day it was ok; so be extra prepared.
2. I was scared. Lately my mind has been obsessing over fears of loss and I had allowed my head to take over my soul. So food was my only soother. WHAT I LEARNED: Take a time out and breathe. I know it sounds too simple, but it does work.
3. I forgot my trigger foods. I totally forgot that saltines trigger my binges. I love them; like fruit loops they put me into Lala land. WHAT I LEARNED: I didn’t have to get saltines. I could have purchased some crackers that I knew I wouldn’t binge on.
So, there you go I binged; I confessed!
How about you? Can you relate? Let me know in the comments section.
You Can read some of my insights and failings at The Food Addiction Sanctuary. Just go here.
Yet, I am not a food addict. I have a food addiction but I am not a food addict.
It goes the same for people with other diseases such as Diabetes, Heart Disease, Alcoholism and Drug Addiction.
You are not Diabetic, Heart Diseased, Alcoholic or a drug addict.
You may have one or a few of these disease but you are not the disease.
So, what is the big deal? Am I just being a little picky at semantics?
Not at all.
YOU are magnificent, exquisite, unique and powerful. You may have some thing but you are not it.
I am not a food addict. I have a disease that is called food addiction.
Allow the shame the propel these labels to float away because they are just your “thing”.
Every person on this earth has a “thing” that keeps them human.
For example, my “thing” is food while my friend has a healthy view of food. She eats to live. When she gains a few pounds she just cuts back on her portions.
Her “thing” has to do with intimate relationships. That is her “thing.”
Yet, that thing isn’t who you are, it s merely something that keeps you human and humble. It allows you to be compassionate.
For many years I called myself a food addict, yet I refused to allow anyone to say my son was Autistic.
Was I in denial? Not at all, I just knew that he was a boy who had Autism.
He wasn’t autistic he had autism.
When I would rally for that autism diagnosis during IEPs and with insurance; people would question me; wondering why I would want THAT label to follow him his whole life.
I knew that that diagnosis was not a label it was a Godsend. With an Autism diagnosis I knew that he could get the maximum help required.
Eventually Austin was re-diagnosed with complex learning disabilities.
He is almost 21 goes to school in Florida, thousands of miles from home.
He is in a fraternity and has friends.
Besides my brother, he is the most content person I have ever met.
Did it all happen because I refused to allow a label to define him?
I would like to think I was that powerful! I believe that lack of shame that is fueled with an autism diagnosis helped. If anyone said he was autistic, I corrected them.
I think God just made him that way.
Can you see the importance behind how you refer to yourself?
You may have a thing but you are not that thing?
What is your thing? Let me know in the comment section!
You have been sold a big ole bucket of lies:
Just fake it until you make it and you will make it.
If there was an olympic sport for faking it until you make it, I would have a gold medal.
I would be as famous as Bruce Jenner and his psychotically narcissistic family.
As a child, I was taught to always place a smile on my face; to never let anyone see you sad.
My mother swore that if you acted happy on the outside the happiness would happen on the inside.
Most people who meet me are drawn to me because I have a smile on my face. Even when I feel like I am miserable, I can fake it like an superstar.
Unfortunately, most of the time I was dying inside because the inside of me was yelling: You are a such a loser, a faker a phony.
No matter how I appeared on the outside; the inside was being eaten alive. I was just a scary, smiley Stepford Wife.
Until, I couldn’t take it anymore and then I just hibernated only leaving home when absolutely necessary.
As I began to recover from my food addiction, I kept hearing the same thing:
FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT.
ACT AS IF.
I truly believed that something was wrong with me, because faking it never worked.
Then I realized the missing piece:
FAKING UNTIL YOU MAKE IT ONLY WORKS WHEN YOU ARE DOING THE INNER WORK TO MAKE THE OUTER FACADE REAL.
Transformation is an inside out job. Most people avoid this inner work because it feels weak, weird and is freaking scary!
Facing the monsters within is terrifying.
That is why diets don’t work. Faking a new way of eating may work in the short term but it never lasts UNTIL you face the scary monsters.
Yet, the diet industry makes billions of dollars because it is banking on you to fake it until you make it.
Going within will save you a bunch of money and you can experience instant transformation and massive weight release.
Going within means that you are no longer tied to the scale, a size of clothing or waist circumference.
Yet, going within is scary, it is not easy and it will take courage.
AND IT IS SO WORTH IT!
Now, I am not saying to not fake it until you make it. I am NOT saying that you should walk around with a frown on your face and vomit negative energy.
In order to work out your insides; you will need a few ingredients:
1. Surrender: not giving up but surrender which means to be in partnership with God.
2. Faith: Expecting that the faking it you are so proficient at is moving you to that reason why you are faking it in the first place.
3. Eye of the Tiger: Focus on what you want and nothing more. Being 100% committed to doing EVERYTHING in your POWER to make this vision real.
EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE ALL POWERFUL AND THAT TAKES US BACK TO SURRENDER.
To Get Started:
- When surrendering: be clear on your part and on God’s part. God’s part are all those items that you don’t control. Yea, you don’t control everything; sorry.
- To Strengthen your faith: Be quiet, go within and feel what it is like to have your vision a reality. Then expect it. Repeat this mantra: ____________(insert your desire) is already here and today I choose to make work towards making it real. Once you get this into your neurons, you will no longer be faking it because you will be one happy lady or man.
- When looking into the eye of the tiger: Refuse to allow negative thoughts to rule you. Notice I didn’t say to refuse the negative thoughts. Those thoughts need to be addressed and they are happening to keep you safe. Loving rebut those thoughts with words of soothing security. For me, those thoughts are my 8 year old who is afraid of change. Instead of tellingh her she is stupid or ignoring her (which is how I was responded to as a child) I put her on my knee and soothe her. Yea, weird but it works a hell of a lot better than being a phony baloney.
In closing: FAKING IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT DOESN’T WORK UNLESS YOU ARE DOING THE INNER WORK.
Of course, I am only writing about my experience but I would love to know yours. Have you faked it until you made and made it?