I am a health coach and creating a health coaching business became my personal nightmare.
I started this post about 3 months ago and the whenI did the pain was just still so fresh I couldn’t continue…
Now I can.
All these feelings have been stirring up and even though I am leaving this webpage I need a place to share.
Back in 2010, I was a freshly recovered compulsive overeater and decided that I must share what I have learned to help others. It was my God given purpose.
But it wasn’t.
I had just released 50 pounds and I was highly motivated to build an internet empire. I truly believed that if I did the work that the people would find me.
It so didn’t happen that way and when I failed I believed that I had to find another coach to help me because something was wrong with me.
10,000 to one coach and another 10,000 to another. Oh wait I need that 1000 product that will help. Oh wait let me shell out 10000 for a new website and branding.
All I got was fatter, more discouraged and miserable. These high powered coaches eventually quit on me. It reminded me of when I was searching for help with my food addiction. I went from therapist, to personal trainer to nutritionist and eventually each would throw up their hands and say “I don’t know how to help you anymore.”
In the fall of 2013, I ran away to Hilton Head Health Institute and within the first day there; I decided to close my doors for good.
It was hard. I was judged. “How can you quit?” “You just need this program.” “You are just afraid.”
No the feeling was so strong and the idea of quitting gave me such relief and sorrow at the same time.
Now I know that It takes more courage to walk away than it does to stay in something you hate.
And, I hated health coaching. I hated listening to people care about what they ate.
I hated creating food plans and doing detoxes.
I hated that I attracted the people that wanted me to fix them and when I didn’t they were disappointed in me.
I hated health coaching because I was health coaching like every other health coach.
I could care less if you ate sugar, gluten or dairy. My focus was to get you out of being afraid of what food can do for you and to start a love affair with food.
Yet, working on where things went wrong was bigger than just walking away. Luckily, I could walk away. My husband didn’t care. My family didn’t care. I had no clients so they didn’t care.
After a few months though; I felt empty and alone. I was lonely, but I knew what I attracted more people who sucked the life out of me so I found it easier to just be alone.
I briefly worked with a network marketing company. I adore the products and I adored the people; they are so positive, hard-working and powerful. Yet, creating a team that way just wasn’t my thing. As a result I couldn’t play on their playground anymore.
Becoming sicker, fatter and more miserable in my health coaching business IS MY FAULT AND MY RESPONSIBILITY!
I hated taking responsibility. My little girl within believed that it wasn’t my fault and that I did everything I could but something was just flawed with me.
It was time to just let go of building anything besides my new kitchen and to move on.
After all, I have a great marriage and 2 fantastic kids; I think I will hang my accomplishment beret on that.
Yet, the kids are grown and I couldn’t stay in my home for the rest of my life.
Or so my husband said. He suggested I get a job or a hobby or volunteer.
Yuck on the hobby and double yuck on the volunteering (been there done that and don’t want to do that).
The job? Well, I could do that but I have no skills to do that besides coaching.
Then the day came when I glanced at my Let go or be dragged magnet.
I have rug burns from too many draggings in my life and I just couldn’t deal with one more rug burn.
Before I could walk through that door to my next chapter; I had to back through it first and figure out where things went wrong.
I pinpointed 7 deadly sins that make me fatter, sicker and more miserable with my health coaching business:
1. I allowed people to take advantage of me.
2. I needed to please everyone.
3. I didn’t listen to my gut.
4. I cared about others’ opinions of me more than I cared about my opinion of me.
5. I followed others step by step processes.
6. I resented everyone
7. I allowed my feelings to get in the way of my success.
Each day this week I will be back to go through the nuggets of each sin; how I committed it and how I am atoning for them.
According to 12 step programs, Step 6 and 7 are all about identifying one’s character defects and asking God to remove them.
I love the 12 steps, yet character defects never sat well with me.
God doesn’t make junk and I don’t have defects.
Instead, I have transformed character defects into defense mechanisms because at one time they served me and kept me safe.
One of my “character defects” revolves around a heavy block of rock that sits on my shoulder. I tend to carry resentment for years and years.
The boy who called me an ugly dog in 7th grade? I remember your name and your exact features.
The police man that drives in my neighborhood; don’t you even think I forgot about what you did to me!
And that beautiful woman with the perfect body and appearance on Oprah because you are the real superwoman yet the cruelest and snobbiest woman in the STL: I know where you live…….
As the years went on and on, the chip on my shoulder got bigger and heavier and I had to gain weight just support it!
One day while working Steps 4 and 5 (searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself) I saw the light!
I didn’t control how they treated me but keeping that chip on my shoulder was slowly swallowing me alive.
The 7th grade boy, the policeman and the beautiful Oprah guest hurt because they are hurt.
I gave them to God; they are now his problem. I took the boulder off of my shoulder and danced a jig.
I was finally free! By carrying that boulder on my shoulder and being resentful; I was only hurting myself.
Enough people had hurt me; I don’t need to add myself on the list anymore.
I gave them a big karmic I Forgive You Shout Out!
Yet the other side of the forgiveness coin is asking for forgiveness.
In other words, saying I am Sorry.
When I took that boulder off my shoulder and kicked it off the cliff; it became very clear that I had to ask for forgiveness and that I didn’t have any control over whether the other person would forgive me.
Here comes step 9: Making amends to those I had harmed.
Yikes, I went to gravesites, I wrote letters, I facebook messaged old friends.
I also made living amends. Now this one is very embarassing: When someone gets on my nerves and rubs me the wrong way I felt like I have to share my feeling with EVERYONE except that person.
In other words, I gossip. ( I know you want to be my friend now, dont’ you?)
This gossiping ritual came from my own insecurities. Even though I felt a certain way I needed someone outside of me to validate it.
Even though this realization hurts me and is shameful; I am free.
I know why I do it and now when I do it; I have a special kvetching gal that keeps my secrets and I do the same for her. It is safe. I don’t provide names. I just get the kvetching out of my system (by the way kvetching is yiddish for complaining).
If you are anything like me, I bet you have some resentment and that others may be resenting you. By forgiving and asking for forgiveness, you hold the key to finally set yourself free.
My journey with food addiction is intertwined with my marriage to the boulder on my shoulder. When I walked through the fear of asking for forgiveness and forgiving others; the compulsion to binge left. When it comes back (which it does) I can stop and say: who is pissing me off today?
172 Days without a Binge and Splat it was all over in a second.
I didn’t want to believe I binged; after all I was hungry.
Yet, I did it; a whole f*cking sleeve of saltines.
Yes, those scare white crackers with the salt are my nemesis; but I forgot they were delicious!
How did I get my hands on these decadent, gluten-filled seduction of a cracker?
I had not even thought about them in years and then all of a sudden BAM I was crunching down a whole sleeve.
Last week, my husband was getting some testing done and I was a bit nervous.
Although I knew everything would be ok, you just never know right?
Well, he was told that he could only have soup and saltines for the rest of the day.
When I heard “SALTINES” my mouth started salivating.
As I drove to the store for them, I prayed to God asking him to keep them at bay.
As I bought them, memories of eating them while watching television and drowning out the hell that was happening around me sent shivers up and down my spine.
Then, I got hungry and I had nothing to eat except those crackers.
At first I took 6 and told myself that I was going to eat them slowly, savoring them.
The next thing I knew I was crumbling the wrapper and my stomach was bulging like I was 6 months pregnant.
I told myself; surely I didn’t binge, after all I was hungry!
Then I remember that I had a food addiction and even when hungry those trigger foods are my alcohol. I cannot have just one sip or one bite.
I was really disappointed and angry at myself.
“How can I binge still?” “I know better!”
Then I remember that I have a disease and even though it may seem like I am on top of it; it is strong and can tackle me in an instant.
I soothed myself with some water and laid my head down.
In the past I would have berated myself which would lead to more binging. This time, I just gave myself a nice belly rub and asked the magic question:
What the heck happened?
1. I was not prepared. Even though the test was early and I had worked out my husband had rushed me so I didn’t get to eat breakfast. WHAT I LEARNED: Know that he is going to rush me and for just that day it was ok; so be extra prepared.
2. I was scared. Lately my mind has been obsessing over fears of loss and I had allowed my head to take over my soul. So food was my only soother. WHAT I LEARNED: Take a time out and breathe. I know it sounds too simple, but it does work.
3. I forgot my trigger foods. I totally forgot that saltines trigger my binges. I love them; like fruit loops they put me into Lala land. WHAT I LEARNED: I didn’t have to get saltines. I could have purchased some crackers that I knew I wouldn’t binge on.
So, there you go I binged; I confessed!
How about you? Can you relate? Let me know in the comments section.