172 Days without a Binge and Splat it was all over in a second.
I didn’t want to believe I binged; after all I was hungry.
Yet, I did it; a whole f*cking sleeve of saltines.
Yes, those scare white crackers with the salt are my nemesis; but I forgot they were delicious!
How did I get my hands on these decadent, gluten-filled seduction of a cracker?
I had not even thought about them in years and then all of a sudden BAM I was crunching down a whole sleeve.
Last week, my husband was getting some testing done and I was a bit nervous.
Although I knew everything would be ok, you just never know right?
Well, he was told that he could only have soup and saltines for the rest of the day.
When I heard “SALTINES” my mouth started salivating.
As I drove to the store for them, I prayed to God asking him to keep them at bay.
As I bought them, memories of eating them while watching television and drowning out the hell that was happening around me sent shivers up and down my spine.
Then, I got hungry and I had nothing to eat except those crackers.
At first I took 6 and told myself that I was going to eat them slowly, savoring them.
The next thing I knew I was crumbling the wrapper and my stomach was bulging like I was 6 months pregnant.
I told myself; surely I didn’t binge, after all I was hungry!
Then I remember that I had a food addiction and even when hungry those trigger foods are my alcohol. I cannot have just one sip or one bite.
I was really disappointed and angry at myself.
“How can I binge still?” ”I know better!”
Then I remember that I have a disease and even though it may seem like I am on top of it; it is strong and can tackle me in an instant.
I soothed myself with some water and laid my head down.
In the past I would have berated myself which would lead to more binging. This time, I just gave myself a nice belly rub and asked the magic question:
What the heck happened?
1. I was not prepared. Even though the test was early and I had worked out my husband had rushed me so I didn’t get to eat breakfast. WHAT I LEARNED: Know that he is going to rush me and for just that day it was ok; so be extra prepared.
2. I was scared. Lately my mind has been obsessing over fears of loss and I had allowed my head to take over my soul. So food was my only soother. WHAT I LEARNED: Take a time out and breathe. I know it sounds too simple, but it does work.
3. I forgot my trigger foods. I totally forgot that saltines trigger my binges. I love them; like fruit loops they put me into Lala land. WHAT I LEARNED: I didn’t have to get saltines. I could have purchased some crackers that I knew I wouldn’t binge on.
So, there you go I binged; I confessed!
How about you? Can you relate? Let me know in the comments section.
You have been sold a big ole bucket of lies:
Just fake it until you make it and you will make it.
If there was an olympic sport for faking it until you make it, I would have a gold medal.
I would be as famous as Bruce Jenner and his psychotically narcissistic family.
As a child, I was taught to always place a smile on my face; to never let anyone see you sad.
My mother swore that if you acted happy on the outside the happiness would happen on the inside.
Most people who meet me are drawn to me because I have a smile on my face. Even when I feel like I am miserable, I can fake it like an superstar.
Unfortunately, most of the time I was dying inside because the inside of me was yelling: You are a such a loser, a faker a phony.
No matter how I appeared on the outside; the inside was being eaten alive. I was just a scary, smiley Stepford Wife.
Until, I couldn’t take it anymore and then I just hibernated only leaving home when absolutely necessary.
As I began to recover from my food addiction, I kept hearing the same thing:
FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT.
ACT AS IF.
I truly believed that something was wrong with me, because faking it never worked.
Then I realized the missing piece:
FAKING UNTIL YOU MAKE IT ONLY WORKS WHEN YOU ARE DOING THE INNER WORK TO MAKE THE OUTER FACADE REAL.
Transformation is an inside out job. Most people avoid this inner work because it feels weak, weird and is freaking scary!
Facing the monsters within is terrifying.
That is why diets don’t work. Faking a new way of eating may work in the short term but it never lasts UNTIL you face the scary monsters.
Yet, the diet industry makes billions of dollars because it is banking on you to fake it until you make it.
Going within will save you a bunch of money and you can experience instant transformation and massive weight release.
Going within means that you are no longer tied to the scale, a size of clothing or waist circumference.
Yet, going within is scary, it is not easy and it will take courage.
AND IT IS SO WORTH IT!
Now, I am not saying to not fake it until you make it. I am NOT saying that you should walk around with a frown on your face and vomit negative energy.
In order to work out your insides; you will need a few ingredients:
1. Surrender: not giving up but surrender which means to be in partnership with God.
2. Faith: Expecting that the faking it you are so proficient at is moving you to that reason why you are faking it in the first place.
3. Eye of the Tiger: Focus on what you want and nothing more. Being 100% committed to doing EVERYTHING in your POWER to make this vision real.
EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE ALL POWERFUL AND THAT TAKES US BACK TO SURRENDER.
To Get Started:
- When surrendering: be clear on your part and on God’s part. God’s part are all those items that you don’t control. Yea, you don’t control everything; sorry.
- To Strengthen your faith: Be quiet, go within and feel what it is like to have your vision a reality. Then expect it. Repeat this mantra: ____________(insert your desire) is already here and today I choose to make work towards making it real. Once you get this into your neurons, you will no longer be faking it because you will be one happy lady or man.
- When looking into the eye of the tiger: Refuse to allow negative thoughts to rule you. Notice I didn’t say to refuse the negative thoughts. Those thoughts need to be addressed and they are happening to keep you safe. Loving rebut those thoughts with words of soothing security. For me, those thoughts are my 8 year old who is afraid of change. Instead of tellingh her she is stupid or ignoring her (which is how I was responded to as a child) I put her on my knee and soothe her. Yea, weird but it works a hell of a lot better than being a phony baloney.
In closing: FAKING IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT DOESN’T WORK UNLESS YOU ARE DOING THE INNER WORK.
Of course, I am only writing about my experience but I would love to know yours. Have you faked it until you made and made it?
I have received at least 20 emails today from auto-generated newsletters saying Thank you, Happy Thanksgiving, Gratitude is the way to the promised land….
Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah…..
I am a big proponent on gratitude. Just like Oprah I write my 5 grateful list each night and then I work at FEELING the gratitude.
I write such things as my life, my family, my new bed.
Who really cares?
What about being grateful for the crap that happens too?
Because it really isn’t crap; it is just how you perceive it.
The way I see it; if you don’t see the golden nugget in the poop; the poop will just multiply.
Some people die in that poop. They go through the same crap without being grateful for it.
So, in honor of Thanksgiving: I Will Give you my Top 10 List of Gratitude for the Crap and Please share yours in the comment section but before I start; you will notice a negative hue coming off the words and that is perfect because it is crap.
Crap doesn’t smell good. The the best way to get rid of the crap is to clean it up and learn from it.
Names omitted because I am a nice person.
- I am grateful for the 2 coaches who took $10,000 from me and did not deliver what they had promised. This taught me to be VERY PICKY when picking support and that I am worth standing up and saying you are not delivering what you promised; time for a refund. Gosh there is so much to learn here and I think the biggest thing has to do with power. Testimonials hold no power for me; I could care less. Same with references. The true coach for me is someone who holds the space for me to let out my true essence. It is not about their signature system; it is about the environment they provide. Thank you Coaches for taking my money and allowing me to forge a whole new terrain that will change the way I am coached.
- I am grateful for the people in my childhood who ridiculed me, told me that I had too big of a butt, that my eyes were too big, to shut up because I talked too loud. It may have taken most of my life but I am falling in love with all those things that you didn’t like about me. Plus, I know that you said those things because you were hurting too.
- I am grateful for being a food addict. Yes, I love being a food addict because it de-baffles why I had to each a box of cereal everyday. It is a disease, not my fault, my responsibility. Yet, within that powerlessness I have never felt so powerful.
- I am grateful for my son being diagnosed with Autism at 3 years old. Luckily, he responded well to therapy and really has some complex learning disabilities. Yet, through this diagnosis; I became an expert surrender dancer. I was able to totally accept him while making sure he had every opportunity available.
- I am grateful for my daughters teenage years. Oh those were tough! At almost 24 she is just freaking amazing! I am in awe of her. She is her own person. She is taller, thinner, prettier and smarter than me (that is parent’s dream) but that she is not me. This journey is hers and I don’t own her. If she didn’t give me such crap for trying to control her; she wouldn’t be the woman she is today.
- I am grateful for growing up poor. As a child I know that money can be gone in a second. It was my experience. I have lived through eating peanut butter sandwiches until the next paycheck came in. I have lived with only have 1 pair of pants to wear. It isn’t fun, in fact it sucks. Yet, growing up that way gives me extra compassion for others. Nothing makes me happier than giving to others anonymously. I can do it and I don’t care about the thank yous.
- I am grateful for saying goodbye to a whole bunch of friends. Sometimes, I feel very alone. Over the last few years, many friendships have ended. Some just had run their course while I allowed other friends to take advantage of me. Right now, I have very few but man are they awesome! What I have learned is that I used to view friends as possessions; the more I had the better I looked. As a result, I was not a very good friend. I am sorry about that and I am grateful that I learned it so I can be a great friend to those I do have in my inner circle.
- I am grateful for the crap surrounding marriage. Ok; if you don’t think that crap surrounds marriage then buy me a ticket to your planet. Marriage is hard work. Together, we have been through 5 parent deaths, my brother’s death, multiple family divorces, financial pressures and job security. At the beginning; I never said what I needed because I didn’t think I deserved to then I would get mad when he didn’t read my mind! After almost 25 years, we are starting to figure it out and then one of us changes and we have to figure it out again. The crap is what gives us color; it shows that we are very imperfect and it models to our children that marriage takes a lot of hard work.
- I am grateful for putting my foot in my mouth on a regular basis. Oh boy; I go through spurts where the filter is turned off. I have written how that has caused me great pain because I would rip myself apart for what I said. I still do that but all that ripping apart have golden nuggets of wisdom. So when I am grateful for my faux pas I can learn why and how to not faux pas again!
- I am grateful for failing in business. This one gives me the most gratitude! Yes, it is a failure so lets not sugar coat it. If I had never ventured out into this entrepreneurial adventure I would have missed out on discovering my love for writing, for speaking, for being in front of the video camera and for creating workshops. In addition, I would never have been able to process all the crap that came brewing into the subconscious such as money drama, fear of asking for the sale and finding my own voice. If or when I venture back out into creating my own company; I know that I will never close a person, use someone else’s voice in my writings or just vomit the same crap as the coach next store. I am finding my own voice that is transparent, authentic and unique. Thank you big ole business failure.
Whew: That was a lot of crap; I better go buy more toilet paper!
Now your turn! What crap are your grateful for?